Yep, it's official.
Ganun pala nung pakiramdam ng unang beses (wala pong malisya). Sa una para pang nakikisayaw sa iyo ang mga mala rosas na himig ng mga sumisipol na ibon tas mayamaya bigla-bigla ka na lamang sisindakin ng isang tunog ng kumikiskis na lumang plaka. Kung baga parang kumanta si Regine Velasquez at biglang naging sintunado ang kanyang boses habang inaawit ang pataas na nota. Nakakawindang. Nakakaloka. Nakaka...ewan. Para akong pinana ng isang libong ice pick at iniwang manhid sa realidad na marahil nahinuha ko na noon ngunit pilit ko lamang itinago sa liblib ng aking pagkatao. Rawr ano ba to =____=
You see, last night I woke up and knew that I was no longer the same person anymore. WE aren't the same people anymore. I looked around and saw figures trying to act old by masking themselves with these flesh-flashing facades while drinking pale pilsen booze and puffing nicotine sticks in their reckoned suavely fashion and in that moment alone it all didn't made any sense to me. They all looked "old", but then not necessarily "mature". Going back there and returning back to where I am now felt like travelling in these two completely different worlds. Then seems to no longer have that homely perception I grew up in and now appears to have replaced that certain role the then used to have been playing. When I left, I felt inexplicably empty. Perhaps there's this something more that I'm looking for (or looking for me if you want to go THAT cheesy). I just don't know. Right now all I can tell is that I'm feeling confused and somewhat unfulfilled. I guess the hardest part about living life is finding its meaning. Soul searching na ba ito? =P
Out of the 60-minute hypnosis and nap therapy in front of the moodle screen during our gepsych class last time, only one thing he said got stucked in my semi-comatose head. "Taking risks help you grow as a person," he said...or at least it went something like that. Then it got me thinking about the role of risks in life. So far as I look back at the things I've done in the past, it felt like most of the risks I've taken were merely byproducts of my impulsive decision-making. Is there even much difference as to taking risks and acting out of impulse? I guess I've often played the part of being on the "safer side" of things, probably because I've always been sheltered thus making me so afraid of getting hurt or committing errors. But who isn't afraid of pain anyway? I suppose I don't have much confidence to defy mediocrity as I would have injected myself to believe due to the self-incompetence that I feel everytime I consider taking that notch higher. I want it, but I don't think I'm capable enough and when the opporunity is no longer served on that silver platter the regret of letting another one go constantly haunts the unconscious in you. And it's a very crappy feeling since you're like suspended on that same position when you know you deserve something better. Maybe the reason why everything that's happening to me right now seems to be in this state of absolute blur is not solely due to the quick movement of time, rather is also because I don't take much risks that could help me grow (no, not taller...I've almost given up on that wishful thinking ;P). Risks that have undergone careful deliberation could either have a positive or negative outcome, but for me regardless of such possible consequences it can still contribute to the development of oneself. So...now what?
During the beginning of this school year I've almost gotten rid of that bad speech habit of mine, but oh crap the devil's tongue is back. An article I've stumbled upon back then stated that "Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts" and that their "thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic" (my gahd...sobrang sumakto ka ba). So would that suggest that I'm currently suffering an angst disorder of some sort? Anyway, me and my friend Clauds kind-of made this pact that we would do our best to stop any unnecessary cursings. Because of this, I've been trying to divert these word vommits into something else and as I've just lately discovered it's been slapping or lightly punching people on the arm (I guess it can also be a manifestation of me as a tactile learner or perhaps it's simply due to the reality that I'm "petite"; thus failing to reach any part higher than people's shoulders :P). So if you happen to be a victim of such divertive act of mine, please do pretend that you've been bitten by a fly or some miniscule creature instead. I'm sure it would have hardly caused you much pain anyway given the proportion of my maximum amount of energy towards my *ahem* total physical altitude. Basically, consider yourself as "safe" either way :| K? K.
I guess it was stupid of me to think that everything's going to be okay after this, because the truth of the matter is it isn't. I tried to be my usual self this morning, but I seem to can't put myself together...especially during the latter part of the day when I knew that in just a few hundred minutes more that thing of last year happened. I tried to catch up with my family whose going to visit my relatives this evening for a simple gathering because of it. Had a drink, got myself momentarily numbed, and then it came. Couldn't stop them from coming unlike what I was able to do this afternoon in school. I don't know anymore.
Let's dance in style, lets dance for a while Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies Hoping for the best but expecting the worst Are you going to drop the bomb or not?* For a moment I thought it was just the desaturated atmosphere or cool breezy weather outside that had nostalgia creep into me all of a sudden, but then as I look beyond our classroom window during our BMATH lab class this afteroon in this pathetically cliche fashion had it sink into me that it's already been a year since, well...that. It was all too weird since my body as if remembered those very moments of last year, each chapter flashing back in a span of what seemed like a mere second. The scent of death florals tied in their own bamboo stick knots poisoned me into that same ball of heavy heartedness that eventually numbed me as defense mechanism took its position. Let us die young or let us live forever We don't have the power but we never say never Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip The music's for the sad men* Tomorrow would mark his first year since he went off to follow "the light". Perhaps after this we could all move on further since the "firsts" were already done. It isn't about making yourself immune of what had happen in the past, I mean, the despair would always be there, but maybe it could somehow remedy the shunned bitter or angsty feeling we may still have or continue to live by with. Forever young, I want to be forever young Do you really want to live forever?* (* excerpt from Forever Young by Youth Group)
I am never good at making new year resolutions, let alone executing each of them throughout the following twelve months and beyond. It's just that sometimes these super ambitious and fairytale-like ideals of mine end up being just a mere blueprint until the end of that certain year where I had initially plan for it to be accomplished. Sometimes I'd cease to bother making one even, supposedly because I don't trust myself well enough to be able to do most, if not everything, on that list of short-term goals. But now I've decided to give this thing another try. I mean, what have I got to lose right? Besides, even though I already know what my long-term goals are, I need short-term ones to fill up those boring slash empty moments in between and hopefully to help mold myself up to a so-called better "me". So yeah, my main new year's resolution this time around is to make those resolutions happen. So here's a sort-of teaser to my list of what I plan to fulfill this time:
Obviously I have more, but listing and elaborating on all of them would consume too much space and time which right now I'm not ready to give. So with that, happy 2007 everyone! :)
It was the worst Christmas ever, that year of two thousand and three. I'd always remember that particular moment wherein I nearly spent the whole supposedly merry day in front of the computer, pouring all my frustrated attention towards making non-profit web layouts and drafting a blog entry filled with my utmost disappointment, angst, or whatever that negative lump of feeling I had stucked in my insides during that time instead. I was insanely bored and I felt that it was more of a summer vacation than a holiday of togetherness and all that cheese. My sister reminded me that we were going to celebrate "Christmas" with our other relatives the next day, which now that I think about it sounds ridiculously bizarre since why couldn't we just celebrate the friggin event on the date it was originally assigned to anyway? I mean, we're not living in the western part of the globe to have that delay aren't we? This year, however, have neither been good or bad. Different might be the best way to put it. We knew this would be the first Christmas we'd be having without Kuya Miko, and in just a month or so it would already be one year since he passed away. Another is because my dad wasn't able to join us during our traditional visits to our relatives due to some complications concerning our newly hired and now gone house helper. Lastly is probably because some of our close relatives are now residing in foreign lands, thus making our annual December feast physically incomplete. Going back to our old house and listening to that almost deafening muted solemness gave me that instant jolt back to when I was six or eight years old. The cemented front yard fading to its original grassy form as everything else appear to be larger than it now seemed, fairy lights growing against the arms of the governing trees and my young self together with my other cousins aimlessly running around whilst boasting our new toy possessions with one another. Life then hasn't been tainted yet by the superficialities of our human nature and for that moment alone, we were simply happy. Not that we're "unhappy" now...it's just well...different then. * * * Talk about taking the art of procrastination seriously. I'm a self-confessed crammer, and the extent of such shameful habit of mine surprises me at times even. For instance during Christmas eve of this year, my sister and I had to buy gifts for both my parents and my two grandmothers, and our dedication to do so seems to have brought us from Shangri-la to Greenhills with an MMDA intermission in between. Thanks to a good ol' girl's charm, my sister and I had successfully skipped off from a one thousand peso driver's license bail from an illegal u-turn (despite seeing the sign) with just a warning instead. Lucky for us also since tiangges in the San Juan metro didn't seem to follow the 7pm closing time schedule that Ortigas malls typically have, thus we were able to buy the gifts we needed.
Goodbye second term, hello bum slash stuff-me-like-a-pig (no pun intended) season! I must say that last night while studying in vain for my two finals this morning my focus practically drifted off elsewhere to take its early holiday toll so I literally ended up cramming a couple of minutes before each exam of mine. Fortunately enough most of the items there had choices and are more or less answerable through the use of one's own stock knowledge and if such fails still, then there is always that backdoor option of doing the classic let-it-be shotgun move (C for correct anyone? :P).
Anyway, the next thing on my agenda (that of which I've formulated only moments ago) is to finally get my tiangge-frenzy self to buy the Christmas gifts I'd be giving out to people instead of throwing myself into a congested crate of procrastinating holiday shoppers just to arrive back home with plastic goodies for only myself. Plus, with my indecisiveness and pitiable half-empty pocket, I certainly need to finish it ASAP before things become worse than it already is. Bad case scenario is when my petite (yes, like me) bank balance turns negative and if such were to happen I'd err probably be forced to hand over IOU layout coupons to a chosen few :P
|
I think and I am Mikka. 18. Filipina. Frosh. BS-Interior Design. Amateur graphic and web designer. Has many frustrations. Inclined to mumble. >>
There and everywhere August twenty-four @ Multiply; Bulalakaw @ Deviantart
Archive View past entries.>>
Disclaimer All content are copyright (c) by Mikka unless noted otherwise.Powered by Greatestjournal. |
weird
confused
drained
angry???
sad
nostalgic
hopeful
exhausted
distressed